Typo Titles

 

Having recently acquired a Gladys Mitchell book, I was entering it into my collection database when I made a typo, and what I ended up with was: The Mudflaps of the Dead. Not a great title, perhaps, but definitely an evocative one. So I challenged the group to come up with other stories by changing just ONE OR TWO letters in an existing title. Letters can be taken away, added or substituted.

 

Jon.

 

Here are the results:

 

1st Place: Barry Ergang, for

WELDERS WALK AWAY by Herbert Brean

 

"Other workers tire and rust --

Old metal, they decay --

Know weariness, then turn to dust,

But welders walk away."

 

Such is the chant known to all employees at Gutbucket Auto Works. When photojournalist Reynold Frame is assigned to do an article about the luxury car manufacturer, he learns that since the company's inception, welders have mysteriously vanished from the assembly line. When one welder's body turns up in the trunk of his own car, Frame must evade the police long enough to uncover the machinations behind the disappearances, past and present, in this riveting mystery.

 

2nd Place: Nick Fuller for

 

DEAF MEN'S MORRIS, by Gladys Mitchell

 

What is worse than grown men prancing around with bells on waving handkerchieves? Completely tone-deaf grown men prancing around with bells on waving handkerchieves! Only Mrs Ratbag can stop the onslaught of Stick & Bucket dancers who can't tell E sharp apart from F.

 

HANGMAN'S CORFU, by Gladys Mitchell

 

Mitchell wrote several books based on trips to the Mediterranean. In this sequel to Come Away, Death, Mrs Ratbag stays with some eccentric English friends on the island of Corfu. Although she sets fire to his library, she cannot stop Larry Durrell from writing his Quartet. With appearances by Mother, Gerry, Leslie, Margo & Theodore.

 

3rd Place: Harry Vincent for

 

CARGO OF BEAGLES by Margery Allingham

 

MORE PORK FOR THE UNDERTAKER by Margery Allingham

 

THOU SMELL OF DEATH! by Nicholas Blake

 

THE BEAST MUST DIET by Nicholas Blake

 

THE SCREAMING MIMIC by Fredric Brown

 

Others

 

From Nick Fuller

 

THE BING FOUR by Agatha Christie

 

Hercule Poirot's dream of going to America finally comes true. However, while attending a production of a Bellini opera at the Met Opera, four of the cast meet horrible fates, and general manager Rudolf Bing asks the famous sleuth to investigate. (Following the success of their Rutherford Marple films, MGM planned to make this the first of a series of Tommy & Tuppence adaptations. The first one would find the pair in a Britain overrun by Italian soldiers, & provisionally titled Norma.)

 

THE HORSE OF LURKING DEATH, by AEW Mason

 

In a bold experiment, the great Hanaud & his associate M Ricardo find themselves transported back to the city of Troy, on the eve of the Greek invasion of the city. Hanaud must find out whether Helen or Cassandra is the sexually voracious spy within the walls.

 

THE BREAST MUST DIE, by Nicholas Blake

 

One of Nigel Strangeways's last cases, in which the private detective finds himself trapped in an artist's studio with an ageing whore, 'appreciatively eyeing her opulent surfaces' while she 'slapped her bulging left breast, as if to admonish it not to leap out at Nigel, which it showed every sign of doing'.

 

LOGE LIES BLEEDING, by Edmund Crispin

 

Following on from Swan Song, in which Professor Fen investigated the murder of Hans Sachs (rather than, as one would expect, Lohengrin), Crispin, whose favourite composers are Richard I (Wagner) & III (Strauss), turns his attention to Der Ring des Nibelungen. Massive by Crispin's standards, the work largely comprises of monologues in which Fen recounts at great length what happened in the last chapter. (Followed by his homage to Strauss, Frequent Helenas.) Having emulated Tom Sharpe in Glimpses of the Moon, Crispin wrote an even more off-colour sequel: Swan Snog.

 

INSPECTOR FRENCH GOES EAST, by Freeman Wills Crofts

 

An interminable book in which "Soapy Joe" sits in a railway station, eating British Railway sandwiches with great gusto. Originally, Crofts had thought of calling the book Inspector French Goes West, but was forced to change the title by his publisher, who did not want to be sued by thousands of readers disappointed that the Scotland Yard man did not in fact die, but caught his man after an analysis of a railway timetable.

 

THE RINSING OF THE MOOR, by Gladys Mitchell

 

Mrs Ratbag finds a diary which convinces her that Othello did not, in fact, strangle his wife. Famous for the scene in which the heroine has a love scene with the severed head of a man she thinks is her lover (but is, in fact, her enemy).

 

Best line: "Come, brother, take a head; And in this hand the other will I bear. And, Lavinia, thou shalt be employ'd. Bear thou my hand, sweet wench, between thy teeth."

 

THE DANING DRUIDS, by Gladys Mitchell

 

Mrs Ratbag investigates the curious survival of pagan English anachronisms: a coven of druids who extract Danegeld.

 

12 HOSES AND THE HANGMAN'S NOSE, by Gladys Mitchell

 

Mrs Ratbag cures a drastic case of sinusitis.

 

LIL, COLD & STONED, by Gladys Mitchell

 

A dramatic change of pace for Mitchell, this book, modelled on Cathy Come Home, is a heart-breaking depiction of teenage drug addiction & homelessness in inner London.

 

From Harry Vincent:

 

TO BAKE THE DEAD by John Dickson Carr

 

THE MAN IN THE CLOWN SUIT by Agatha Christie

 

FEZ COUNTRY by Edmund Crispin

 

THE PET POOP SYNDICATE by Freeman Wills Crofts

 

OLD MRS OMMANNEY IS DEAF by Margaret Erskine

 

THE CASE OF THE BIGAMOUS SOUSE by Erle Stanley Gardner

 

THE DROWNING FOOL by Ross MacDonald

 

DIED IN THE POOL by Ngaio Marsh

 

DR. PRIESTLEY LAYS A TRAMP by John Rhode

 

HENDON'S FIRST CASK by John Rhode

 

MAIGRET SPITS IT OUT by Georges Simenon

 

THE HISSING PARTNERS by Henry Wade

 

From Mike Grost:

 

TO CAKE THE DEAD: A Culinary Impossible Crime, not by John Dickson Carr!

 

Henri Bencolin IV, playboy great grandson of the famed French sleuth, arrives at a Loire Valley chateau to attend the wedding of the year, between the heiress of an old French family, and Jules Bijoux, the young Reality Show King of French TV. The groom has been getting threatening letters, perhaps from TV critics, perhaps from the heiress' rejected rival suitors. However, the ceremony goes off without a hitch, and everyone at the reception is thrilled when the giant, eight-foot high wedding cake is wheeled into the garden.

 

Bencolin, an old family friend, is asked to cut the cake, and he pulls out the sword from his elegant evening cane. The cutting soon finds an obstruction. Buried deep within the cake, is the dead body of Jules Bijoux! Who killed the groom? How did his body get inside the perfect looking 9 layer wedding cake?

 

"The groom has been strangled, with videotape from one of his own shows," Bencolin pointed out. "And the groom's body shows no fire damage, or any sign of having been baked inside the cake. How did he get inside the cake, which is completely undamaged except where I cut it with my sword? It all seems impossible!"

 

"This is just like what happened to Boopsie two days ago," the heiress wailed. "Who is Boopsie?" Bencolin asked her, with his famed detectival acuity. "Boopsie is my pet poodle," the teary heiress replied. "The day before yesterday, Boopsie was found, doped but still alive, buried deep in a perfect looking mountain of chocolate mousse. No one could figure out how he got there. We revived him, and he was completely unharmed." The heiress pointed to a small black poodle, who was still happily licking off chocolate mousse from his paws and fur, sitting in a corner of the garden.

 

"The killer probably tried out his approach first on the dog," Bencolin stated wisely, "to see if it would work."

 

SOLUTION "The killer is a pastry chef," Bencolin told the assembled wedding guests. "The chef had been rejected by Jules Bijoux as a contestant on one of his reality shows, and had gone crazy as a result."

 

"That frequently happens," the local juge d'instruction pointed out.

 

"The chef told Jules that he wanted to create a portrait cake of Jules," Bencolin went on, "that would be unveiled at Jules' wedding in Jules' honor. Jules, who was susceptible to flattery, agreed. The first step was for Jules to allow the chef to make an impression of Jules' entire body. This process took just a few minutes, using a quick drying plastic with which the chef surrounded Jules. The chef soon pulled away the plastic, leaving Jules unharmed. "

 

"The chef could have used his plastic impression to create cake molds in the shape of Jules' head, face and body," Bencolin continued. "This is what the chef told Jules he was going to do. Instead, the chef did the exact opposite. He created cake molds in the REVERSE of Jules' form. These molds can be used to bake cake pieces, whose edges are in the form of Jules's body. When assembled, the cake pieces form a wedding cake, with a body shaped hole in the center. "Today the chef baked the pieces, strangled Jules, and assembled the pieces, for the bottom three layers. He then placed Jules' body upright in the center hole, Jules' legs being planted firmly in the open center hole of the three layers. The chef then added the remaining nine layers, one by one, in pieces around Jules. The cake pieces covered up and concealed the rest of Jules' body, all the way to the tip of his hair. Each piece was a perfect fit, matching the shape of Jules' body. The chef then added the white frosting over the cake, and voila! Jules is hidden completely inside the cake."

 

Mike Grost

 

From Alan Bishop

 

SWEAT DANGER - Margery Allingham

 

Campion finds himself outnumbered, outgunned and outwitted while his man Lugg is inside prison for burglary. Will Albert actually have to work for a living?

 

From Alan Mescallado

 

CHARLIE CHAN CURRIES ON by Earl Derr Biggers

 

One too many spicy meals sends a patron in a Pakistani restaurant convulsing. Fortunately, the intrepid investigator from Hawaii, Charlie Chan, is at hand as a witness, and a determined investigator when the incident results to murder.

 

THE CHESTS OF SIMON ARK by Edward Hoch

 

The ageless prober of seemingly mystical occurences comes to his private doctor for the second of his twice a millennium check-ups. When the x-rays showed abnormalities in his anatomical structures, particulary a second pair of lungs, he knows there are paranormal respiratory forces involved.

 

THE GREEN RIPPLE by John D. MacDonald

 

Tony Montauk, billionaire playboy, who found fame for his partying as well as his flatulence, was found drowned in his moss covered moat. Travis McGee smells something more than fishy as he probes deeper.

 

IT BULKS BY NIGHT by John Dickson Carr

 

Inspector Bencolin combs the city for a serial rapist described as dressed only in underwear and roams the streets in the dark hours.

 

I, THE JERK by Mickey Spillane

 

Mike Hammer follows the trail of flasher, who plays fast and sticky with his hands.

 

THE FROWNING FOOL by Ross Macdonald

 

Lew Archer is hired to track down a down-and-out actor, now reduced to playing a sad clown in parties.

 

From Anita Hoffman

 

ELEPHANT'S WOK by E.C. Bentley

 

BEFORE THE FAT by Anthony Berkeley

 

POISSON IN JEST by John Dickson Carr

 

THE EIGHT OF WORDS by John Dickson Carr

 

PAIN IN BOX C by John Dickson Carr

 

THROUGH A GLASS, DICKY by Helen McCloy

 

A CHANGE OF HEAT by Helen McCloy

 

THE DAY SHE DID by Helen Reilly

 

From Tony Medawar

 

WITLESS FOR THE PROSECUTION by Agatha Christie

 

GRIME IS MY BUSINESS by W Howard Baker

 

THE BLACK TOWEL by PD James

 

THE DA FREAKS A SEAL by Erle Stanley Gardner

 

From Mr. Molesack

 

THE VALLEY OF PEAR by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

THE RED LOX by Rex Stout

 

SOME CURRIED CAESAR by Rex Stout

 

STRONG POISSON by Dorothy L Sayers

 

STEAK HOUSE by Charles Dickens

 

COP EATER by Ed McBain

 

DEATH AND LETTUCE by Elisabeth Daly

 

DEATH OF A CAKE by Arthur Upfield

 

ENVIOUS PASTA by Georgette Heyer

 

I WAKE UP CREAMING by Steve Fisher

 

DEATH OF A BEER by Ngaio Marsh

 

From Barry Ergang (not all within the rules):

 

THE CASE OF THE VAGABOND VEGAN by Erle Stanley Gardner

 

HE WHO WHIMPERS by John Dickson Carr

 

A CAROB BEAN MYSTERY by Agatha Christie

 

THE RED THONG MARK by R. Austin Freeman

 

A STUD IN SCARLET by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

 

THE LOST JELLOS by John Dickson Carr

 

AND THEN THERE WERE NUNS by Agatha Christie

 

THE READER IS WEANED by John Dickson Carr

 

BEHIND THE CRIMSON BLONDE by Carter Dickson

 

CASE FOR THREE DEFECTIVES by Leo Bruce

 

THE HERDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE by Edgar Allan Poe

 

GLOWERS FOR THE JUDGE by Margery Allingham

 

THE INN OF SINS OF FATHER BROWN by GK Chesterton

 

THE MYSTERY OF A HANDSOME CUB by Fergus Hume

 

THE RED HOSE MYSTERY by A.A. Milne

 

THE BUTT by Mary Roberts Rinehart

 

DEATH IN A BOWEL by Raoul Whitfield

 

THE BIG BOA MYSTERY by Israel Zangwill

 

COD'S ON THE TABLE by Agatha Christie

 

THE BOOTY IN THE LIBRARY by Agatha Christie

 

BEST MAN'S HONEYMOON by Dorothy L Sayers

 

THE NINE TOILERS by Dorothy L Sayers

 

John Dickson Carr/Carter Dickson:

 

THE THREE COFFEES

THE DORK OF THE MOON

TO WAKE THE DUDE

THE MAN WHO COULD ROT CHEDDAR

CAPTAIN CAT-THREAT

THE JEDI'S WINDOW

 

THE AMERICAN GNU MYSTERY by Ellery Queen

 

THE SPINACH CUP MYSTERY by Ellery Queen

 

HOUSE OF BRAS by Ellery Queen

 

Rex Stout:

 

FOR-DE-LUNCH

THE LEG OF FRIGHTENED MEN

THE BARBELL RANG

GUM BIT

 

THE THURSDAY TUSHY MURDERS by Craig Rice

 

MY CONDOM FOR A HEARSE by Craig Rice

 

From Jon Jermey:

 

Oculus Privatus Falco thinks he has problems when his clients start turning up around Ancient Rome with their throats cut. But things get much, much worse when a dying message leads him into a head-on confrontation with the Big Cheese (Caseus Maximus) himself -- SOME BURBLED 'CAESAR' by Lindsey Davis.

 

Inspector Jack T. Giantkiller faces his toughest case yet when all the inhabitants of a remote castle keel over at once. Only the fading memories of a retired butler can uncover the secrets of that fateful day sixteen years ago -- WHO DIDN'T THEY ASK, EVANS? by Glen Cook.

 

Eyebrows are raised in fashionable London when Lady Frances Wallingford marries Mbwese Ka, chief of the Kalahari !Kung tribe. But outrage turns to suspicion when Lord Greystoke, her father, dies from a poisoned blowgun dart. It takes all of Roderick Alleyn's diplomatic skill to keep the groom out of prison and avert a !Kung uprising while he tracks down the real killer -- BUSHMAN'S HONEYMOON by Ngaio Marsh.

 

The day after upgrading his old teletype machines, millionaire tycoon Gawain Pentecost is found dead of a heart attack in his office, clutching a blank sheet of paper. What was the mysterious message that brought on his death? Ellery matches wits with a technologically-minded killer in THE MURDERER IS A FAX by Ellery Queen.

 

---

 

Entries outside the rules:

 

From Barry Ergang:

 

THE INN OF SINS OF FATHER BROWN by G.K. Chesterton

 

Snowbound at an Alpine hotel, Father Brown and his fellow vacationers are shocked to learn the place doubles as a brothel. When one of the guests, a rabbi, is found murdered in a room that has been locked from the inside, a St. Bernard standing over his body, the little priest must solve the impossible crime and, paradoxically, preside over the bar mitzvah the victim was there to perform.

 

THE MAN WHO COULD ROT CHEDDAR (British title: THE LIMBURGER MURDERS) by John Dickson Carr

 

Is it Paradise -- or Hell on Earth? The seven foremost cheesemakers in the world agree to meet at the fabled Garden of Edam, but none expects Death to disrupt the festivities. When a hunk of Limburger leaps off a plate and suffocates Giovanni Gorgonzola under the noses of his companions, they fear the legend of the Phantom Dairyman has come true. Dr. Fell needs all his faculties and lots of Gouda luck to solve this.

 

Audiobooks:

 

THE BIG SCHLEPP read by Sir Edmund Hillary

 

THE CASTLE OF OH, TONTO! read by Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels

 

CHROME AND PUNISHMENT read by Dale Earnhardt

 

DABBLE IN DUMBNITY read by Dan Quayle

 

FART WELL, MY LOVELY read by Howard Stern

 

GIVE AND GET GUY read by Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

GOLDFINDER read by Warren Buffett

 

THE GOLD RUG read by Strom Thurmond

 

IN THE HEAT OF THE RIGHT read by George W Bush

 

THE VIOLENCE OF THE YAMS read by Martha Stewart

 

From Nick Fuller

 

LAURA IS POISON, by Edmund Crispin

 

Crispin famously did not like Mrs Bradley's companion, Laura Menzies. So naturally he becomes prime suspect when she is found skewered with a javelin before she can join Mrs Croc at Wandles Parva. Crispin calls in Professor Fen to defend him - but is Fen a match for Mrs Bradley? (This is the ultimate example of Crispin's habit of authorial intrusion.)

 

From Alan Bishop

 

CORONER'S PIGEON by Margery Alligham

 

Albert Campion, while pretending to be a Prince of Ruritania, is drawn in to a dastardly plot to nobble the favourite racing pigeon of a government official. But what part does Lugg play in the slightly soused seed?